$1.50

It always feels good when you put a solid amount of time and effort into something you're trying to make perfect for the tight ass student teacher who you know is grading it, ultimately deciding your fate in a class of something like one million people. Some dinky one-page essay that you probably wouldn't think twice about if said grader hadn't wiped her ass with the last one you put in front of her.

So you spend this embarrassing amount of time devoting yourself to this tiny essay that is supposed to serve as some kind of proof of what you've learned--and of course, by "what you've learned," I mean how well you can follow the rules being applied to that stack of essays she's skimming over, looking for enough run-ons and misplaced thesis statements to meet her "hard grader" quota.

You don't even believe in grades, really, but you still like to think you're intelligent enough to get something higher than a C+ out of those who do.

But alas, you're worth nothing more than 79 percent, despite your efforts to give these motherfuckers everything they ask for in a short paper--some clear argument with evidence and examples up the ass, and transitions that could make angels weep. At this point, you don't know which number more depressing to look at--the 79, or the debt you're acquiring in order to see that 79.

It's such a great opportunity, though! And you should be grateful that you live in a country where you have the freedom to further your education. An education that you could probably get for "a dollar fifty in late charges at the public library..." as Will would say.

Unfortunately, the public library can't afford to hire anyone right now to tell you that you aren't good enough. Unless they raise those late charges a couple of thousand dollars a year...