welcome back

(explosion of dust and glitter) I'M BACK! Hello again, loyal followers of the poop--I've missed you. My summer spent in the Hamptons was exquisite as always--unfortunately, somewhere between being fanned by my loyal servants and lazily fed grapes by my minions, I just couldn't find the time to blog. In truth, I spent the bulk of these last three months in the scenic Eugene, OR, and the only fanning to be had was that of my own farts in the sweet summer humidity. Grapes were probably eaten at some point, however. ENOUGH of this dilly-dallying, lets get to the real reason why I felt so compelled to return...

As I laid staring into space one evening, meaningless drivel splish-splashing about my brain, a great realization--an epiphany, if you will, came over me. A fleeting little thought that, now, has developed into an intriguing obsession. A much overdue comparison that can only be described as pure destiny...

SPORKS vs. SKORTS: a disturbing and endless list of similarities.

The first and most obvious quality these pointless and embarrassing products share is their name. At a glance the two words look identical, and when uttered with any kind of speech impediment they would probably sound identical as well. I suspect that none of us could say the the two words together ten times fast--I cannot say this for sure, however, as the "red leather/yellow leather" controversy has led to my ultimate refusal to participate in such games.

I will excuse the similarities found in their name-combinations, however, seeing as "shirt" is a pre-existing article of clothing, and "foon" sounds really stupid. More-so than spork or skort, that is.


Next, I would like to touch on the design similarities of the spork/skort.

Figure 8.5







Figure 8.6











In figure 8.5 you will notice the flat, smooth, "skirt"-like front piece-- one that secretly hides a pair of pronged shorts beneath its wall of shame. The "shorts" portion is only to be discovered when viewed from behind, or by flashing up the frontal skirt portion of the outfit (as seen in the figure), like some kind of prankster-hussy. One will notice the lack of pockets, a common theme among skirts--however, these pockets that have been so carelessly tossed aside in this relationship are traditionally expected of shorts. As a result, the breezy, carefree qualities of the skirt are downplayed by a dysfunctional pair of shorts.

A similar relationship can be found in figure 8.6, the plastic spork. This utensil combines the commonly used spoon with fork--but I think we're all aware of its flaws. The spoon, much like the skirt, is traditionally found freely swimming and stirring about--be it a bowl of soup or a vat of lard. The fork, with its prongs of fury, has proved itself useful in the art of jousting the non-scoopables we so often encounter. However, when combined, both elements of the spoon and fork are weakened. It can be used as a spoon, however an actual spoon will always be superior, as it won't poke you or give you trouble with hard-packed ice cream. As a fork it is just useless, disappointing, and embarrassing.

Socially the spork and skort lead very similar lifestyles. They are generally found in elementary and middle schools; the skort being a parental selection in an annual "Back-2-School" shopping trip, and the spork being an administrative selection in an annual budget cut. The frustrations of both are experienced throughout the tender ages of 6-14, and now only our scars--physically, mentally, and emotionally--are here to remind us of the fusions we once accepted as part of our lives.

Where is this manufacturing company, I ask? This factory that pairs skirts with shorts, forks with spoons, pants with shorts (Shants!), and probably the same place where peanut butter and jelly are casually thrown together in the same jar, like animals.

The day I see a skort-sporting spork-user jabbing away at a pint of Haagen-Dazs is the day I've seen it all.